I have a disease of perception. It likes to creep up on me at times. In those moments, I move away from an attitude of gratitude and I find myself creating my own personal state of hopelessness and desperation. I instantly forget how far I’ve come and the disease of more becomes my identity.
Even in sobriety, this happens to me. I lived for years externally focused. My job on Wall Street, my outer appearance, material things provided me with a distorted sense of self and comfort. Now that I have moved away from that way of life and focus on myself in a far greater intensity, I must deal and handle the small speed bumps on the road of life I am creating for myself. These speed bumps take me out of the present moment and bring me back to past messages of needing to do more, be more, make more money, have a better job in order to feel worthy or like I matter.
In the past I numbed out and disconnected from these speed bumps. I didn’t want to deal with them and lived life on my terms which meant engaging in some form of destruction to alleviate the discomfort with not living up to my perfectionist standards. I no longer need to do this and it is a beautiful thing. I can experience life for all its worth and truly feel the goodness that comes along on the ride.
My sister sent me a text yesterday saying “I’m here for you. We are a team!”
I immediately called her and told her I wish she could see the tears of joy streaming down my face. I never would have experienced this when I was active in my addictions. I have so much joy and gratitude for her in my life. This is just one example and I will hold onto it dearly. It is moments like this that propel me forward and keep me on this new and improved path.
When my perception shifts back to my disease, my connection to the world is lost. I am back to that hopeless and desperate state and that is exactly where my addictions want me. My ego is taking over and my entire door of fear is opened. I go from being grateful and humble to frustrated, angry, resentful. I want more and beat myself up for being where I am in my recovery.
This is a dangerous place to be and also one that I can get out of if I choose to. And I do make that choice now. I go to a meeting. Call a friend. Connect. That is what it is all about. Connection. This brings me back to reality. Back to feeling the love. Back to being an active participant in life. The more I practice this, the easier it becomes.